Last night during the second of four times that I was in baby D’s room between 6pm and 6am (it was a rough, uncharacteristic night – darn teeth!), I was impressed by the weight of his body as he lay in my lap. I remember this moment with little J too, perhaps it was around the same age. There is little I can write to accurately describe it, but essentially its a realization that he’s no longer a wee-little one. Though I’ve held him every single day since June 9th, his weigh gain has obviously been gradual but last night he was all of a sudden big and my brain and my heart knew it. His fingers are no longer slender instead, they like his feet and wrists are bulging with chub and though I can see it in pictures and my eyes have beheld the changes once again, last night, my arms finally felt it too.
As I sat there in his dark room and pondered the moment, my thoughts were drawn once again to a conversation I had a few weeks ago I was talking to a friend who has three girls about my particular season of life. She made a comment that has been stuck in my mind about how I only have 5 years or so of each of these precious boys lives where I am “the woman” in their lives. The one who gets their cuddles and their requests, the one who is their everything…their mama. She meant in contrast to what she sees as her relationship with her children as they grown, anticipating lunch dates and mall dates and a deep friendship with each of them. And though as it write it sounds harsh, it’s still likely true. A boys relationship with his mom is sweet and unmatched in it’s early years but it changes as they grow-up. So I recognize (with a few stinging tears in my eyes) that it’s true, but it’s weighty. Weighty in the same way that little J’s questions about life and death and Jesus and church and marriage and love are. And so if you can’t tell, lately my heart has become burdened. Burdened for my children in a new way. For their safety, for their character, for their salvation. Because I have so much to accomplish in a day that isn’t really at all about them (I mean directly, they need a clean place to live and we need clothes and food and such) and I am so incapable left to myself to do anything right or worthy. How thankful I am that I have Psalm 37:4 is true. O my soul…Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.